


It Takes Courage to Stand Alone

by thebenniebabyninja



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Sex, Prison, Recovery, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:01:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24257848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebenniebabyninja/pseuds/thebenniebabyninja
Summary: Lexa works at a hotel in Boston, one night of reflection she realizes just how lonely working the night shift is. She finds comfort in the one person she can't have. Not only is Clarke her boss, but she has a boyfriend"Her eyes roam the whitewashed walls, only to linger on a plant dying in the corner. The plant continues to wilt no matter how much water she gives it. She wonders if it needs more sunlight, so she moves it closer to the window. Without the light you’re doomed to wither away."
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 47
Kudos: 227





	1. Reflection

Lexa isn’t a very sociable person but lately she has noticed just how lonely it is to work the night shift. Not many people come by at night, and the ones who do, give her the creeps so she keeps herself at a distance. It's in the quietest times of the night that she finds her mind wandering to the one person she needs to distance herself from. She should have never picked up that number.

Lexa glances around the empty lobby searching for a distraction. Her eyes roam the whitewashed walls, only to linger on a plant dying in the corner. The plant continues to wilt no matter how much water she gives it. She wonders if it needs more sunlight, so she moves it closer to the window. Without the light you’re doomed to wither away.

She heads back to the registration desk, deciding to get a jump start on her closing checklist so she can get the heck out when her boss comes to relieve her in the morning. She begins to dust the computer area, over the monitor and carefully through the cords. She doesn’t want a mishap like last time.

Her boss was not very happy when she heard that Lexa lost all of the booking information of the day. Lexa had to search through the phone logs and call every customer back. She spent the rest of the afternoon fixing her mistake even though her boss told her not to worry about it. She wishes once again to have never taken the job offer.

It wasn’t that she disliked the job or anything. It’s actually quite the opposite. She loves this job, she’s working the hours she wants, gets to work alone, and makes a decent paycheck. What more could she ask for? Her mind began to drift, remembering their first meeting.

At the time she wasn’t really looking for a new job , just keeping her options open. She noticed the posting in her favorite Coffee shop just down the road. To be honest she didn't even think she would get the job. She clipped one of the phone numbers off the board, grabbed a cup of coffee To-Go, then dialed the number into her phone to call at a later time.

She all but forgot about the number dialed into her keypad, A week had come and gone by the time she noticed. She didn't talk to people unless they called her first, so it’s no wonder how the number was still there. She stared at it, wondering if the posting was still valid, or if she really wanted to start over at a new job.

After remembering the argument with her boss that morning she hit send. She was getting tired of the old grind; her boss knew it. He yelled at her every chance he had and even threatened to lay her off is if she didn't start picking up the pace. It wasn’t that she was being lazy, she just couldn't do the work. The idea of just going to work was _exhausting._ She came home nearly every day to just flop on the couch and fall asleep, the mental fatigue too much for her body to bare.

After only a few rings she was greeted by a cheerful voice,

"Thank you for calling the Slumber Inn, could you hold please?"

Lexa nods, forgetting that the person on the other line couldn't see her,

"Okay," she says in a shaky voice. 

She hasn't had an interview in a good six years, the nerves of even considering a new job was already setting in. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence and unbearable elevator music. The cheerful voice came back.

"Thank you for holding, this is Clarke Griffin how can I help you?"

Lexa swallows, her throat dry and voice quivering says, "I saw your job posting-"

"Oh, thank god-" Clarke says.

The relief in her voice is very unnerving to Lexa. What could be going so wrong that this woman is relieved to have someone calling about the job posting? It’s been well over a week, has no one called yet?

Almost as if as if she could read Lexa's mind, Clarke says, "We’ve been so busy lately, because of the Boston Marathon, I really didn't want to have to disappoint another customer by telling them were all booked up. Are you busy tomorrow? I have a 2-o clock appointment if you want to swing by then."

Lexa licks her lips, her mouth suddenly too parched. Did she really expect not to get an interview after calling them?

"2-o clock is great; my name is Lexa."

She can faintly hear the sound of scribbling on the other line, she imagines the woman is most likely writing down a reminder. If they're as busy as she says they are, she wouldn't be surprised to be forgotten.

"Lexa... do you have a last name?"

The woman laughs, Lexa mentally kicks herself, screwing up the interview before it had even begun.

"Woods, Lexa Woods. Thank you for the opportunity, I will see you tomorrow."

Lexa hangs up and checks her closest for something interview appropriate and upon finding none she curses. Just her luck to have a mountain of dirty clothes the day before an interview. It’s her own fault really, letting it get to this point. She sighs, resigning herself to a fate worse than death... the laundromat.

Her unit washing machine has been broken for more than a week, with no sign of it being repaired, her slumlord left much to be desired. When it comes to housing this probably wasn’t her brightest idea. She didn't live in the slums, but she sure didn't live in the best neighborhood either. The amount of break ins and fighting teenagers was getting ridiculous.

After a week of living there she decided to sell her car, it’d already been broken into three times. She was left to commute, which hadn’t been a problem up until now. With her work schedule and lack of vehicle, she relied on public transport to get her to the places she needs to be. She realizes this is why her clothes have been piling up.

She decides to lug everything down the street in the middle of the night, the last bus departed about 10 minutes ago so that was out of the question. She just hopes that no one bothers her, after all she will be looking like a bum. Maybe she’ll be lucky enough to find a wayward shopping cart. Bums don’t get mugged right?

Lexa throws a majority of her clothing into one of her largest tubs, making sure to dig through the piles to find her nicest looking clothes. She grabs some cash and heads down the street. It’s a nice night, not to hot and not too cold. The walk should be nice, the streetlights are lit most of the way, she’s lucky, more often than not the lights are either busted or on a timer that only works when the sun is out.

As she ponders why the city has yet to fix it, she shuffles the basket onto her other hip. Trying to distribute the weight better. Times like these are when she wishes she weren’t so thrifty. If she had a car, she wouldn't have to deal with the basket digging painfully into her palms or the shaking of her arms as she struggles with the weight.

She jumps when she feels the hand on her back. She drops the basket and throws her hands in the air. This is exactly what she was wishing to avoid.

"Please don't hurt me!" She shouts.

The stranger behind her chuckles, "I’m not going to hurt you, I could see you struggling, and I was wondering if you wanted some help."

Lexa releases a sigh; thankful she didn't have to fight for her life. The woman grabs one end of the basket and Lexa grabs the other. They walk wordlessly to the laundromat. Lexa observes the woman, dirty blonde hair, and deep sky-blue eyes. Even in the dark she can see that they carry the weight of the world.

She feels a gravitational pull towards this woman. She uncharacteristically wants to comfort her, to hold her, tell her everything will be all right. But she doesn’t, how weird would that be? She beats the thoughts back to the recess of her mind and stagers toward the grey building.

The closer they near the building the harder her heart beats, either from the nerves of the interview or being so close to a stranger. Maybe a little of both. Lexa keeps to herself; she doesn't like talking to people unless she's forced to. The awkward tension that hangs in the air is enough to bolt her to the floor with each heavy step.

Finally, they reach the entrance and the blonde woman says her goodbyes. Lexa is eternally grateful and decides to call a taxi on the way back, even if she only lives about 5 minutes away. She splits her clothes amongst two of the washing machines before she realizes that she forgot her soap at home…


	2. The Interview

After straightening up the desk, Lexa moves on to dusting the corners of the room. How the spiders find the time to rebuild their nest every night she will never know. Even if she didn't work here, this hotel would still be the cleanest in the state. Marble floors, pristine white walls, all decorated with Clarke's art work.  
  
Lexa trails the little duster over one of Clarke’s paintings, cleaning the top, sides and finally the face of her work. She takes a step back, placing her hands on her hips. Lexa admires all of Clarke's work but this one was by far her favorite. 

Shiny bright eyes, capturing the beauty around them. Long flowing brown hair, a hint of a smile upon the lips. Lexa was amazed at how well Clarke was able to evoke emotion from the viewer. She smiles at a distant memory, continuing her closing routine.

Lexa straightens her blouse of any wrinkles or stray cat hair as she hurries to the designated building for her interview. Her heels click on the marble floor and she quickens her pace to the front desk. She's not late by any means, in fact she's about twenty minutes early. The longer she waited the more anxious she became so she figured she would head out early. 

As she approaches the desk only to recognize the clerk sitting behind the counter. Lexa grins,the stars are aligning, fate is finally smiling upon her. Just as she's wondering if the woman will remember her, the clerk looks up. Her eyes widen and a smile plasters itself to her face. 

"Nice to see you again, how can I help you?" She says.  
Lexa's grin grows wider, she extends a hand to the woman and replies, "I'm here for an interview, though I'm a little early."

"Oh! You must be Lexa! It's nice to formally meet you!" Clarke shakes her hand and points to a small meeting space in the corner of the room, "If you could go on and head in there, I just want to print off your resume and we'll begin."

Lexa nods and walks towards the office, a spring in her step. Her luck is finally turning around she had the opportunity to meet a kind stranger yesterday who just so happened to be pretty and just so happens to work at Lexa's potential new job and just so happens to be Lexa's potential boss. She takes a seat suddenly feeling on top of the world.

That feeling slowly fades away as the minutes tick by, the longer she waits the more her nerves consume her. She bounces her foot nervously and starts counting down from 1000. She glances around the room, hoping to find something to distract herself. The walls are made of glass, covered by flowing curtains to give their clients privacy from prying eyes. 

She notices a canvas with a woman sketched on top. Curious, she examines the sketch closer, plump lips lain with a smirk, big bright eyes that seem to sparkle. How the artist was able to capture their light in just a sketch was impressive. She continues her count down. 

She nearly reaches 199 by the time the door creaks open. Clarke shuffles in apologizing for the wait. Lexa jumps, nearly forgetting for her reason to be here in the first place. She hurries to her seat as Clarke shuts the door. 

"Do you like it?" Clarke asks. Lexa must have a confused look on her face because Clarke explains further, "My painting, do you like it?"

Lexa's face flushes, she had no idea this was Clarke's artwork, she feels embarrassed, like she was caught looking at something she hadn't been welcome to see, "Yes, it's beautiful," She replies. She can't help but notice Clarke's eyes grow a brighter shade of blue.

"Thank you," Clarke says with a smile. She takes a seat across from Lexa, shuffling some papers together. “please, tell me about yourself." Lexa has never been good at interviews; she doesn’t like being put on the spot and she never knows how to properly answer the questions. 

Lexa blurts out the first thing on her mind, “Well obviously I do laundry at the laundromat, I live alone in a studio apartment, I have a cat, even though he acts tough, he’s a big scary cat, I’m single, I work for a tech company, I sort files there…” Clarke giggles and Lexa blushes, how embarrassing. Her anxiety always gets the better of her in these types of situations, plus she never knows what to say to that specific question. 

“I meant more along the lines of your work style, how you get along with coworkers, things like that.” Clarke’s eyes roam Lexa's resume, Lexa scratches her head, of course that’s what she meant, this is an interview not a date. 

“Well, I have been working at my current job for 8 years now, I work by myself, but I get along with others.” 

Clarke nods and writes something down on her resume. Lexa feels her palms begin to sweat so she rubs them on her slacks. Why is she like this, why does she get nervous at the smallest things? 

Clarke nods and asks, “That’s a long time, why the change?”  
  
“Well I wasn’t really looking for a job, I just saw your posting in my favorite coffee shop and decided to call.” Duh, Lexa mentally slaps herself. How can she get hired if she literally says she doesn't want a job? Think Lexa, think.

Clarke smiles, writes something else down and Lexa has to stop herself from leaning forward to glance at what she’s written. “The O'l Grind is a favorite of my own, I met my Fiancé there.” 

Lexa’s heart sinks, she frowns and can’t help feeling disappointed. Of course, a woman as pretty as her would have a fiancé, plus why would someone as successful as Clarke want to be with a loser like Lexa. She berates herself in her own head for who knows how long before Clarke gently taps Lexa’s hand. 

The touch jolts her from the thoughts, warmth radiation through her body. Her eyes burn and she shakes her head, forcing herself to remain strong. They're strangers after all. Though Lexa can't help but to feel like she lost a piece of herself.

“Are you okay Lexa?” Clarke asks, genuine worry etched in those gorgeous blue eyes. Lexa nods and apologizes, asking Clarke to repeat her question. “What are your weaknesses?” Clarke repeats. 

Lexa thinks, what is the best answer to this question. You? No, that would be inappropriate, and degrading. People? I’m scared to talk to people, please hire me. What a silly thing to say for a customer service position. 

“Well… I tend to beat myself up when something goes wrong.” Lexa says.

Clarke continues to scribble on the paper, without looking up she asks, “Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?” 

Lexa shakes her head, immediately knowing the answer, “To be honest, I’m not sure. I guess I would like to be more successful. Maybe upgrade to a better apartment in a nicer neighborhood. Maybe find a Girlfriend. Or a Friend.” She says the last part under her breath, hoping Clarke couldn’t hear. 

She does, she looks up with a crease in her brow and sympathy written clearly on her face. “You could do your laundry here,” She says, Lexa’s eyes grow wider and she flushes a deep red. Clarke continues, “I’d like to offer you a position here Lexa, I think you would be an asset. I think our company could help you achieve your goals.” 

Clarke stands, Lexa’s resume left laying on the desk. She extends and arm out towards Lexa who grabs it and returns a limp shake. She couldn’t believe her luck. She glances down at the paper; her eyes betray her as she hopes to see what ever it was that Clarke was writing down. To her surprise it was a sketch of Lexa.

Lexa smiles at the memory, moving on to load the coffee grounds in the coffee maker, ready to brew whenever Clarke arrives. She never did ask why Clarke wanted to paint her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like the next chapter. I tried to to be a basic bitch and use grounders since I used woods as Lexa's last name. Sorry.. 😅😅


	3. National Helpline 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

I am working diligently on the text chapter and just wanted to put a warning out there that the next chapter contains content about substance abuse. Please proceed with caution, I do not want to trigger anyone that is in this situation. If you need help please contact this number 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or visit these websites: <https://www.samhsa.gov/> <https://findtreatment.gov/>

Love you guys!

Talk to you soon!


	4. Rehab

The morning sun began to peak over the bushes, bathing the sky in a beautiful pink hue. Lexa finished her closing duties well over an hour ago and has since been ready to head home. Soft footsteps approach, she eyes the clock on the wall, and smirks; for once Clarke is right on time. Lexa turns to greet her boss, ready to give her some playful sass.

As she turns, her words die on her tongue, Clarke’s eyes are heavy today, dark circles consume her flesh. Her face is pale, and she teeters on the edge of consciousness. Lexa’s mouth drops open and she hurries to Clarke’s side. She gently grabs her chin and tilts her head, examining her clammy flesh and her dilated pupils. “Oh Clarke…” She whispers and Clarke breaks.

Clarke falls to the floor sobbing; she curls herself into a tight ball on the cold marble floor and croaks, “I’m so sorry Lexa.”

Lexa’s heart aches, her throat constricts like a vice, and she falls into a most familiar position. This happens more than either of them cares to admit. Every few months Clarke and her fiancé go on a bender, Clarke runs to Lexa who helps her detox, then they go back to playing boss and subordinate; until the cycle starts all over again. Despite the amount of people Clarke has in her life, Lexa is the only one who she can turn to. Lexa doesn’t mind, she would do anything for Clarke, even if her feelings aren't mutual.

Clarke has been battling her addiction since before Lexa started at the Slumber Inn. Her fiancé is the one who even got Clarke into drugs. Lexa only met him one time, He looked like the typical drug addict, unruly hair, pox filled face, scabs taking up residence under his nose. It’s no wonder why Abby is so against their union. Even her friends know he’s toxic for her, they all but cut off connections with her, until she leaves him. 

Clarke has no one, just like Lexa, she holds onto the one connection she has, begging for some higher power to help Clarke. She almost thought she broke the cycle, beat the pills. It was only a matter of time before Clarke relapsed again. Lexa’s just glad she came to find her, unlike last time. That was a horror that Lexa would never want to repeat, she shudders at the memory.

Lexa walks into the building, which was unusually dark, something was wrong, she could feel it, a shiver runs down her spine. Usually she would be greeted by a Cheerful Clarke, but today she was nowhere to be found. This was odd, Clarke insisted that someone must be at the desk at all times. As she steps closer, she can hear the phone, the number of beeps warning her that there are several customers on the line.

She leans over the desk to pick the phone off the receiver. She starts her usual, “Thank you for calling the Slumber Inn, my name is Lexa, how can I help you?” as she glances around the lobby. The customer asks about their booking information, forcing Lexa to walk around the desk to use the computer. That’s when she found her.

Clarke sits on the ground, back against the wall and slumped over. Lexa gasps and mumbles, “Oh shit.” The customer says something unintelligible due to Lexa’s surprise. She quickly ends the call, hoping the customer will forgive her when she calls them back later. Lexa dials 911 as quickly as she can before she goes to Clarke’s side.

“911 do you need Police, Fire, or Ambulance?”

Lexa attempts to shake Clarke awake as she asks the dispatchers to send an ambulance to the hotel.

“What’s your emergency?” The dispatcher asks.

Lexa gently pats Clarke’s face and tries to remember Abby’s words. “I think she overdosed.” Lexa pulls Clarke’s eyelid open to check her eyes.

“Who overdosed, do you have Narcan on the scene?”

Lexa yanks one of the drawers open searching for the bottle that Abby had given her,

“My friend, yes I have Narcan, how do I use it?”

The Dispatcher walks Lexa through the steps. She tilts Clarke’s head back, depresses the medicine into her nose, and then rolls her onto her side. The dispatcher tries to keep Lexa calm, explaining that the Ambulance is on their way, if the medicine doesn’t work after five minutes try to find a second dose.

That five minutes was the longest five minutes of Lexa’s life. After a few minutes Clarke gasps for air and begins coughing. Lexa feels a wave of relief pass through her body as she gently pats Clarke’s back.

“What happened?” Clarke asks, she slowly turns to face Lexa. Lids heavy, blue lips starting to pinken up.

Lexa feels a wave of anxiety hit her when she forces out the words, “You overdosed.”

Clarke closes her eyes, breathing in as much fresh air as her lungs can hold, “I what?”

Lexa tucks some hair behind Clarke’s ear, the approaching sirens starting to calm her nerves, “Clarke, I think you should go to rehab.”

Clarke ebbs in and out of consciousness, finally she asks, “Did you call the police?”

“No, I called the ambulance, they won't arrest you, I promise.” Lexa says, squeezing her hands with confidence, “Do you have anything on you?”

Clarke shakes her head and croaks, “I’m scared.”

Lexa grabs Clarke’s hand, pressing it to her chest, “Please get help, I can’t see you like this anymore.” Clarke nods, her eyes glowing a brighter shade of blue.

That was three months ago. She didn’t end up going through rehab, but she did stop taking drugs. Lexa hoped it would have lasted and was disappointed that it hadn’t. At least she was still walking, she’s not as far gone as last time. Lexa continues to smooth her hair as Clarke sobs on the floor.

“I’m sorry Lexa, I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t sleep. I just kept thinking about it.”

“It’s okay, you’re not going to be perfect all of the time, it’s human nature.” Lexa explains then helps Clarke to her feet, “And hey, you were still sober enough to come find me, that says something right?”

Clarke nods, sniffling, Lexa guides her towards the elevator, “Let’s go get you cleaned up.''

Lexa holds a brave face, but her insides are in turmoil. Her stomach churns with each unsteady step that Clarke takes. She’s hurting but Lexa can’t fix it, only Clarke can, she needs to admit her problem, only then is recovery possible. She shouldn’t let Clarke do this to her, she is engaged (even if he is toxic), Lexa will be the one hurt in the end.

Lexa guides Clarke to an unoccupied room. She unlocks it using one of the maid’s keycards and sits Clarke on the bed. Clarke leans back as Lexa goes to start the shower. She sets out one of the hotel’s robes then heads back to check on Clarke. She’s fallen asleep in that short amount of time. Lexa checks her pupils, still dilated, no need to worry about an overdose this time.

She guides Clarke into the bathroom, helping her shed her clothes. This is natural to Lexa, nothing sexual about it. She is only here to help her friend get better. At least there’s one good thing about this job, she did find a friend.

Lexa helps Clarke into the shower then collects her clothes, taking them to be laundered by the hotel’s dry cleaners. By the time she returns to the room, Clarke is sitting on the bed snuggled into the robe she had laid out for her. Clarke meets Lexa’s eyes, glowing the brightest shade of blue she has been privileged to witness.

“I think I’m ready to go to rehab, Lexa.”


	5. The Meeting

Kyle came around the day after Clarke was admitted into the rehab center; He was not happy. He strolled right through the entrance and kicked over the plant Lexa had been nursing, he said it was a warning, “Stay away from Clarke.” She knew better than to fuel his childish antics. She simply ignored him as she served the next client. He stormed out of the building and luckily hasn’t seen him since.

Sadly she had to buy Wilfred a new planter, Kyle cracked his other one. She decided after her shift she would walk around  _ Dots _ , her favorite general store. Lexa’s apartment is filled with all kinds of cool stuff from their dollar section. She got the phone call when she was walking around the home and garden area. Her eyes widened at the caller ID and she hurried to answer the phone. 

“Hey,” Is all she could think to say, two weeks had already passed since Clarke left. Lexa told her to focus on recovery, she could keep the hotel floating while she was away, or so she thought... When there were angry customers Clarke would be the one to deal with them. Sometimes she gave them a refund, other times she gave them gift certificates. Without Clarke, Lexa didn’t know which way was up. 

Lexa often finds herself crawling into bed too exhausted to change into her pyjamas. She wonders why she does this to herself, Clarke’s life is none of her business, and it’s not like she’s getting any benefit out of the stress. But it is only temporary and Clarke is her friend, Right? 

“Hey,” Clarke replies, a thick silence fills the air around them. Maybe they weren’t as good friends as Lexa thought, seeing that they don’t have anything better to say than, ‘hey’ after two weeks. What if Clarke wants to cut off connections with her? That’s a part of recovery isn’t it? Cutting off your enablers; Lexa’s stomach drops at the thought.

“How’s it going there?” Lexa forces out a hoarse whisper. She fiddles with a fluffy throw pillow, the texture calming her nerves just a bit. 

Clarke sighs, “I miss you?” 

Lexa’s hand drops away from the pillow and she stutters, “W-what?” Did she hear that right? Clarke misses her? Of course Lexa misses Clarke, even if she would never admit it. She likes to keep business from her personal life, even if Clarke has gone way further than ‘boss’ the past few years battling the pills. 

“Can you come with me to my next meeting? We’re supposed to invite family but I feel like you deserve to be there.” Clarke asks.

“Uh, yeah, I would be more than happy to, when?” Lexa says, a bit more enthusiastically than she’d care to admit. 

The line goes silent and she can hear Clarke shuffling something in the background. “Actually, it’s tonight… at six?” 

“That’s kind of short notice, I’ll see what I can shift around.” Lexa says, a grin upon her lips. 

Clarke hesitates before saying, “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

“If it helps you, I’ll be there.” Lexa says, writing down the address that Clarke recites and they say their goodbye’s. She holds the phone to her chest, her veins pumping with adrenaline. It’s times like these that Lexa wishes she could talk to Anya. She died a few years ago, lost her life to a drunk driver. Lexa looked up to her like a cool older sister, her death was a hard blow. 

The only person Lexa really had was Clarke, she would do anything to keep her from dragging herself into an early grave like her mother. That's why she found herself standing in front of her closet, struggling to find something to wear; a striking similarity to the day they first met. Lexa holds a pair of black pants and a flannel top against herself and turns towards her tomcat, Beau, who trills an unintelligible response. 

"You're right bud, I was thinking the same thing," She says, patting a grey striped head. He hops down from the bed and follows her into the bathroom as she gets ready. She's nervous, not sure why because she's seen Clarke in so many compromising situations. Why is the idea of seeing her sober so daunting? Or is it the idea that Clarke  _ wants _ to see Lexa? Lexa's nerves begin to violently chew at her belly again so she decides to leave early. 

The meeting takes place at a nearby church. It’s no wonder Addicts have such a difficult time seeking help. She’s only there to show her support but the judgemental looks she receives is enough to make her want to run the opposite direction. Lexa pulls the doors open, they creak on their rusty hinges and a few people in the lobby look up, only to look back at their phones once they realize she's attending the Narcotics Anonymous meeting. She hurries towards the gymnasium where Clarke said they would be. 

She slips into the room as quietly as she can, she curses thinking that she must have misheard to time. Clarke waves her over and she takes the seat next to her. Clarke leans over to whisper into Lexa's ear, "You're early," Lexa feels a wave of relief crash over her body, she releases a sigh, she’s never late. Clarke places a hand to Lexa's knee, the touch burning a hole into her jeans, "Thank you for coming.”

Lexa nods and turns her attention to the speaker, trying to ignore the warmth radiating through her body just from that simple touch. The man on the impromptu stage finishes his speech, it's rather uplifting and she wishes she could have heard the whole thing. The person on stage waves at Clarke, and asks, "Is this the woman you have been talking about, Clarke?" 

Lexa feels her cheeks flush when Clarke nods. 

The man continues, "Would you like to come and introduce her?" 

Clarke looks at her with a sparkle in her eye, Lexa just nods. Clarke hurries to the mic, a spring in her step that Lexa hasn't seen before. Before she even reaches the stage she explains, "This is Lexa, she's been helping me through my addiction. She's been there for me as long as I can remember. Thank you Lexa."

Clarke turns to the man and asks, "Can I read my letter?" 

The guy nods and she begins, "Lexa, I want to start by saying how thankful I am of you." Clarke looks up, the intensity of her gaze causes the hair on her arms to stand up. "You're always there for me when I fall, you're always there to pick me up again. I have put you in some hellish conditions but you never shy away when I come to you after a week long bender. There's been so many times that I have been so high that I didn't even know where I was. Every time that has happened, you have been there to bring me back to the ground." Clarke’s voice begins to crack and Lexa can feel tears stinging her eyes. "You saved my life more than just the time I overdosed. Thank you." 

Clarke swipes at some tears in her eyes and she forces herself to continue, "I'm so sorry I hurt you, I'm so sorry I put you in that situation. I promise to never do this to you again. I'm working hard to be the person you've been trying to help me be. Even though sometimes I want to tear my own flesh off from the pain of withdrawal, I will continue to fight. You are my best friend and I don't want to lose you."

Lexa's tears are flowing freely at this point, Clarke hurries from the stage to pull Lexa into a hug, they drown out the crowd around them. Lexa knows she shouldn't be feeling this way. She shouldn’t be letting Clarke pull her into a hug. She shouldn't let Clarke touch her and she definitely shouldn't have kissed her...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this chapter! Poor Lexa, she would really benefit from therapy, don't you think? And a kiss? That's not going to end well for Lexa is it? Until next time! Bye~


	6. Confessions

Clarke stares at the crushed pills on her desk. The powder is tempting, she can feel the craving gnaw at the back of her throat. She has an insatiable hunger for the vile things, a desire just to numb the pain, freeze the worry. Her mouth waters at the mere thought of just a taste, she just needs a little to take the edge off. 

The pills were meant to be taken orally, she’d been taking them properly up until the meeting. That’s when she started snorting them. They hit her faster, took her anxiety away. It never lasted long enough and had her always craving more. The meeting was at least two weeks ago now and she has been saving her meds for the past three days. She has enough to get her a nice bump which she needs now more than ever.

She coats her pinky in the powder, bringing it to her lips, she laps up the residue. A strangled moan escapes her throat, as the bitter taste coats and numbs her tongue. All she has to do is call Kyle. He’ll get her out of here, take her to their special spot where they can both lose themselves to their addiction. No more worry, no more pain. 

Opiates were a part of her recovery, they were given to her nightly as a means of weaning her off them safely. She was given one pill of Oxi every night, she had to make it last. One pill was meant to last over the course of eight hours, snorting it never kept the feeling for more than an hour, She was once on her way to recovery. That was until she invited Lexa to the meeting. It wasn’t Lexa’s fault, no. They had tried to warn her that it was too early to invite family, but she was being selfish, she missed her. She should have listened. 

After the meeting, Clarke had a craving. One of the strongest ones since she’d been there. She decided to hoard her pills after that one. It was a struggle because she had to take it in front of the nurse. Every night she would hide the pill in the crotch of her finger, sliding the pill into her pocket without alarming the nurse. She had to make a big show of it, tilting her head back, making it look like the pill was in the back of her throat. Taking a large gulp of water, finished off with a loud, “ahhhhh” of refreshment. 

She’s surprised she hasn’t been caught yet. She hadn’t been to another meeting since, her participation began to lapse, her mood plummeted, Yet no one said anything, Her last meeting repeated over and over in her head, she knew it was an accident. She tried to tell Lexa it was okay. She knew she was giving too much of herself away. It wasn’t fair. Not to Lexa. She decides to send one more text before hitting it. 

  
  


\--

Lexa’s phone buzzes on the counter, she sighs, knowing it’s probably another text from Clarke. She’d been avoiding her since the kiss, which wasn’t that much of a kiss any way. She meant it to land on her cheek, but Clarke just  _ had  _ to turn her head at the perfect moment for Lexa’s lips to land on Clarke’s own. 

It’d been a slow night, meaning she couldn’t keep Clarke out of her head. When she was busy, it was easy to forget the wrongs she had committed. Lexa’s face flushes as she remembers just how soft Clarke’s lips were. She has no right to feel the way she does, Clarke has a boyfriend, No, A fiance. Lexa overstepped a boundary she could never take back.

She rubs her face in her hands and peeks through her fingers at the still illuminated screen, seeing the tenth message from Clarke that day. It’s been nearly two weeks, she can’t ignore her forever, she is her boss after all. Lexa swipes her password into her phone and catches up on all her missed texts.

5/13 10:23 PM Clarke: Hey

5/13 10:32 PM Clarke: i hope ur not in bed yet

5/13 11:24 PM Clarke: r u ok?

5/14 1:05 AM Clarke: I’m going to bed, talk to u when u get this

5/14 11:32 AM Clarke: ur probably working, but I need to talk to u

5/14 1:15 PM Missed call: Clarke

5/14 1:25 PM Missed call: Clarke

5/14 1:35 PM Missed call: Clarke

5/14 8:03 PM Clarke: Lexa! 

5/14 8:03 PM Clarke: Lexa! 

5/14 8:03 PM Clarke: Lexa! 

5/14 8:04 PM Clarke: Lexa! 

5/14 10:03 PM Clarke: u can’t ignore me forever

5/18 9:36 PM Clarke: or maybe you can…

Lexa scrolls through the texts on her phone, there’s at least 300 messages, all from Clarke. How could she be so selfish at a time like this? She glances up from the onslaught of messages, wondering just how Wilfred seemed to perk up over night. She never thought she would be jealous of a plant. She seems to be deteriorating faster than the potted conifer. 

She glances back at her phone to compose a message of her own, not sure where to even begin.

\--

Clarke brushes the residue from her nose, laying back in the bed. She can feel the euphoria crash through her body like a tidal wave. She closes her eyes, the tingling feeling starting in her fingertips, allowing a numbness to over take her body. She hears her cell phone ping next to her, but she can hardly care at this moment. It’s probably from her councilor anyway. She loses herself to the feeling and it’s not until she hears the second ping that she forces her eyes open and her hand across the mattress.

She gazes at the name, heart racing, this wasn’t what she expected. 

5/30 8:05 PM Lexa: Hey

5/30 8:06 PM Lexa: I’m sorry

Clarke rereads the messages over and over again, it’s Lexa right? She didn’t imagine it? She sees the oscillating dots, letting her know that Lexa is composing another message. They start and stop over a period of ten minutes. Clarke loses track of the time as she watches the dots. She blinks and an hour has already gone by. 

She looks at the messages and recoils, she should have put her phone away. The last message she received from Lexa was, “Are you high?” The amount of misspellings and punctuation errors would lead anyone to believe she was under the influence, but that wasn’t what warranted the question. The last message Clarke sent was a confession.

5/30 8:49 PM Clarke: itas n ice Lexa don’ b sry

Clarke places a palm to her forehead, feeling a headache coming on. She wants to talk to Lexa, but first she needs to tell Kyle...


	7. Pavlov

“Are you sure you want to leave Miss Griffin?” The receptionist asks, empathy drilled deep in the lines of her forehead, Clarke isn’t the first to abandon the program, still, the guilt eats her up. Her chest feels heavy. Heavier than when she’s under the influence. But this is something she has to do.

Clarke nods and the receptionist continues, “Will you consider an outpatient service?” 

Clarke shakes her head, but the receptionist slides her a pamphlet regardless, “We’ll be here if you need us.”

Clarke nods, picking up the pamphlet, she hears a grumble to her left before the paper is snatched from her fingers. 

“We don’t need your help!” Kyle snarls, crumpling the paper and throwing it at the receptionist. 

Clarke gives her an apologetic look before being dragged away by her boyfriend. She shakes her head, reminding herself that she’s engaged now. She’ll never get used to that. Her fiance drags her to the car, helping her in for the first time since they started seeing each other, she kicks around at the garbage littering the floorboard, breathing the scent of smoke and sweat, a smell she was glad to be rid of until now.

Kyle slams his door as he gets in, shaking the whole car in the process. It’s one of the usual clunker cars you see driving down the road. An old pontiac with a beat up hood and a crack in the windshield. Kyle drives this car with pride, Clarke used to love it too, Now she can see all its flaws, just like Kyle. 

He turns the key in the ignition, the car sputtering but struggling to roll over, “Come on damn it!” He slaps the dashboard and the engine roars to life, “Yeah baby!” 

He lights up a cigarette and without warning, speeds off into rush hour traffic. Clarke coughs and waves a hand in front of her face, she attempts to crack the window to escape the overwhelming smoke. The window doesn’t budge. 

“Sorry babe, the window broke, I didn’t get your check last week so I couldn’t fix it.”

“Oh,” is all she can muster. A sick feeling fills the pit of her stomach, every bump in the road making her all the more nauseous. 

They ride on in silence, Kyle takes a long drag of his cigarette and Clarke watches as the ash falls into his lap. He tosses the butt out of the one functioning window and turns to face her, illuminated by the red stop light. “I knew you’d come back.”

Clarke remains seated forward, she watches the blinking crosswalk sign, debating if she should just jump out of the car and run instead of telling him what happened with Lexa. She knows it shouldn’t mean anything, it was an accident after all but she enjoyed it. She’s engaged and enjoyed a kiss from someone who wasn’t her fiance. That’s just as much as cheating as sleeping with someone in her book. 

The light turns green and Clarke tells him as much. Avoiding the subject for just a little longer. “It’s green” she says, choosing to turn her body away from him, resting her forehead on the cool glass. 

The rest of the drive is quiet until they pull into their apartment building. He places a hand to her shoulder and leans in, “I missed you.” His breath reeks and has her pulling away. When he frowns, she leans forward giving him a quick peck to the corner of his mouth. “Sorry, babe, just feeling a little under the weather is all.” 

He grins, “I know just the cure for that.”

\--

Lexa had the day off. She decided to forgo the store yet another day, instead deciding to go grocery shopping after she gets off work tomorrow. She never liked shopping at walfart, but it’s the only place open at 5 in the morning and she just really needs a break from people. 

She spent the day locked inside with her cat, she misses him dearly, she’s guilty of not spending enough time with him. Between work and worrying about Clarke she began to neglect her little buddy. He forgave her though as he sits on her lap with the same amount of regalia as ever. 

She goes to stand and he groans a quiet protest. She pats him on the head and asks,”Are you ready for dinner?” 

He gives a happy trill in response and guides her to the kitchen. She flips the top off of the can of wet food and mashes it onto the plate, it sends a shock through her body, a flash of crushed pills on a desk. She quickly drops the plate in front of her favorite boy and opens the fridge, hoping to put the memory behind her. Today she will not think of Clarke.

She grabs some leftover chinese food, that was on its last legs, then plops it on a plate and throws it in the microwave. As she watches the plate spin in it’s chamber, she slides back to the last conversation she had with Clarke. She promised today she would put her in the back of her mind, today was about relaxing, rejuvenating, finding herself. But she couldn’t help wondering just what went wrong. How Clarke could go back to her pills after nearly a month of sobriety, Lexa had put so much of herself into fixing Clarke, but she realizes now that there is no fixing Clarke.

\--

Clarke rolls onto her back, clutching the blankets to her naked form. She’s angry that she did this, she betrayed him and now she enjoys his company? She’s such an awful person. She repeats that phrase over and over in her mind, tormenting herself as she feels herself crashing from her high. Kyle has already fallen asleep, 

As usual Clarke was left to finish herself off, he’s never been able to satisfy her. The worst part about it was that instead of imagining her fiance that was asleep next to her, she thought of those lips. Soft and plump against her own. She imagined lithe fingers lacing with her own and those lips trailing down her body until they reached her core. She sighs at the fantasy, those lips, those lips. Before she knows it, she’s biting her knuckles in an attempt to quiet herself.

She sighs, relaxing into their stiff mattress, almost as worn down as their relationship. She turns so her back is facing him, she can’t bear the thought of being around him. How could she pleasure herself to the thought of someone else as her fiance sleeps in the bed next to her. That’s when she notices the beige powder on the desk. Her lips salivate at the sight, Pavlov ringing a bell in her mind, She cuts herself a line or two or three; Kyle’s drug of choice is heroin so he shouldn’t notice a little blow missing from the baggy. 

She dusts the powder from her nose, licking the excess off her fingertips. She sighs and leans back in the bed, a wave of euphoria crashing through her body. She begins to perk up as the drug makes its way through her veins. Sleep ebs away and she finally says it, “I cheated on you.” there’s no response from Kyle, as expected but she feels the relief anyway, or it could be the cocaine…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no! Clarke fell off the wagon! Please let me know your thoughts on the chapter! If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them! Talk to you soon!


	8. Too Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well everyone hated the last chapter so I decided to write a quick one. I hope you don't hate this one as much as the last one...

"I'm sorry, we don't have a patient by that name here right now." The voice says from the other line.

Lexa's heart skips a beat as she asks,"Are you sure? I just visited her not that long ago."

"I'm sorry ma'am I can't give you any other information because it would break HIPPA."

Lexa sighs, thanks them for their time and hangs up. She knows Clarke left the treatment center, probably out getting high with Kyle. She's beyond disappointed, she really thought this would take. She dials Clarke's number.

\--

Kyle never woke up. Clarke sits against the headboard with her knees to her chest, contemplating what to do. She hasn't slept. Not in three days. The cocaine is long out of her system but she doesn't know what to do. It's too late to call an ambulance, it's too late to call the police. Her phone starts buzzing and she's wrecked with anxiety. How do they know? She didn't kill him, she's going to prison. 

She glances at the caller ID and she's hit with a wave of relief.

"Lexa, thank god, I need your help." She practically shouts into the receiver.

"No." Is the reply.

Clarke's heart drops, no? That's not like her, Lexa is a person she can lean on, the person that keeps her grounded.

"What do you mean, no?" She asks.

"I'm done Clarke, I quit," Lexa says.

Clarke's mouth bobs open and closed. This isn't what she needs right now. 

"Lexa wait-" she says.

"No. I'm done. Goodbye."

The line clicks off and Clarke is left, for once, completely alone. She glances back at Kyle's blue complection and dials 9-1-1. She has nothing to lose now.

\--

Lexa clears all of her personal items from the office. She's done. She doesn't have another job lined up but she just needs to get out. She stops for a second, staring longingly at her plant Wilfred. Should she take him? He technically belongs to the hotel, but really, would anyone even notice he's gone? 

She makes the decision to leave her plant behind, she's always liked to play by the rules and stealing just isn't in her book. It could easily be cleared up by just having a conversation with Clarke, but she can't. She's strung her along just one too many times. 

\--

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?" The officer says, as he cuffs Clarke's hands behind her back.

"Yes," Clarke says.

"With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?”

"No."

Clarke glances around the apartment she once called hers. The pills and the powder laugh at her. She's reminded of all the things she could have done with her life. Her mother was right, she hates when she's right but she is. "Kyle is nothing but trouble, stay away from him" the words ring through her mind as she's led from the apartment, down the stairs and into the waiting police car. 

\--

Lexa's lease is up, she already decided she would move away from this hell hole, but now she's ready to abandon the whole state. Nothing is tying her to this place anymore, she just needs to find a pet friendly apartment, maybe she'll move to New York. She seals off her last box when her phone rings, Clarke's name appears and she rejects the call. 


	9. Court

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the kind words on the previous chapter. As for everyone else, that was not necessary. I am all for constructive criticism, but that was not it. Please keep in mind that this is my story, I can't help what other writers put in their own stories (Which I enjoy reading). I encourage you to write your own story if you are sick of reading these types of stories. I will continue to write mine, I hope you continue to read. If not I understand. This is a story filled with angst, there will eventually be a happy ending but you need to get through the CONFLICT of the story, otherwise there would be nothing for me to write. I need a plot to create a multichapter fic, there are other oneshots that I have written for CLEXA, they are all happy and to be honest, kind of boring, because there is no plot. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Clarke counts the cracks in the cement wall for probably the hundredth time today. Anything is better than letting her mind wander to the reason she's here. Her cell is cold and impersonal. She wishes that she was surrounded by something other than the drab grey they chose. But she is a prisoner after all, what does she expect, the red carpet?

She's been kept alone after being labeled as a danger to herself. She wasn't suicidal, she's just a little melodramatic. She didn't mean to make a noose with her blanket, really she didn't. And she definitely wasn't reminding herself over and over that this all could have been avoided if she never met Kyle. She wasn't feeling any guilt over Kyle’s death, or hurting Lexa... Okay, maybe she was doing a little of those things. But it didn't mean she was suicidal! 

The door to her cell opens and she's greeted by one of the guards, "Clarke Griffin? Your attorney is here to speak with you." 

Clarke stands, face solemn and numb. The only thing she can see for her future now is a lifetime in prison. She deserves it. She'll have to sell the hotel, but that shouldn't be an issue; that would give her plenty of money to spend in the commissary. And hey, 3 squares a day and a roof over her head? She's had worse. 

Clarke is led into an equally dreary room where a man sits, illuminated by a single incandescent light. He looks sweaty and nervous in a suit that seems too large for his narrow frame. The guard shuts the door, leaving the two in the room alone. The man scrambles from his feet, extending a nervous hand in her direction. Clarke lifts her hands, revealing the cuffs restriction in pleasantries. 

He retracts his hand and awkwardly clears his throat, "Um well, anyway, I'm Teddy, it's nice to finally meet you Miss Griffin." 

"Clarke" she states, her tongue clicking at the end. 

"Uh yeah well uh, Clarke. This is my first case, but I feel confident enough that with your record you might be able to get away with some community service." 

"No." She says, defiantly and turns her head away. 

"Uh, wha-" 

"Im pleading guilty." She says, voice firm and unwavering. 

Teddy shakes his head to clear his thoughts, clearly exasperated. "Clarke, you have no previous crimes, why would you plead guilty? You told the police that the drugs weren't yours and your fiance died while you were under the influence. There's nothing you could have done to prevent his death. There's no reason to punish yourself more than life already has." He says. 

Clarke turns to face him, eyes red with unshed tears. "Im sorry, I shouldn’t have- that was unprofessional." Teddy quickly gathers his belongings and heads to the exit, "I’m sorry Clarke, I'll write something up, I’ll see if we can get your trial pushed back." 

Clarke shakes her head and says, "Don't bother."

\--

Lexa was able to fit most of her belongings into her new F-150; what she couldn't fit, she sold. Staying in the slums was a good decision, she was able to buy the truck outright and have enough money left over for a deposit on an apartment in New York. Luna, a friend she met online, offered to take her in until she could find a job, but Lexa could never put her out like that, especially since they have yet to meet in person.

Instead she chose an apartment, one of those industrial loft style apartments, nearby in the art’s district. The interior was cold but so was she, burned one too many times. She’ll find a way to make this place cozy, just as she will find a way to herself again. She sighs, really wishing she took her plant Wilfred, he's doomed to shrivel up and die without her. No one seemed to care before, why would they now? 

After bringing the last of the boxes inside, Lexa releases her cat into their new home.

"How do you like it bud?" She says.

He inspects the building, crouching low to the floor. He jumps after sniffing one of the boxes, Lexa chuckles to herself, such a scaredy cat. He'll get used to their new living arrangement. She has plans to meet Luna later, but for now she has to unpack her belongings.

\--

The courthouse is as she remembers from the time they put the deed of the Slumber Inn in her name. Grey carpeted floors, beige walls. At the time Clarke thought this place was bright and happy, but now she sees it as it is. A sickening melancholy air suffocating her. 

She's one of twenty that will be sentenced today, not all guilty like she is. She waits in the marble hallway until her name is called. Her lawyer asked the guards to take her cuffs off before they entered the room, to hopefully sway the judge into a more lenient sentence. Clarke walks on, words dulled in her ears, working on autopilot as her grief overflows her veins. She's never felt this type of numbness before, so solid to the bone that she can no longer feel  _ anything _ . Not sad, not happy, just numb. 

She's told to stand as the judge enters, he tells everyone to be seated but she remains standing. Today is the day her life ends. Her lawyer pulls her back into her seat, giving her a sad smile, making the pit in her stomach grow, she hates it when people feel sorry for her. 

"Clarke Griffin, please rise." She stands, "You are being charged with possession of a controlled substance, are the charges correct?" 

"No, sir" she says, the judge raises an eyebrow. 

"Miss Griffin, what have we missed?" 

"Manslaughter" she says. 

A bout of whispering begins amongst the jury and her attorney rises, "Sir! If I may-" 

The judge slams his gavel against the table, "order!" He eyes the jury and turns back to Teddy, "as you were." 

"Thank you sir, Miss Griffin was cleared as a suspect in the death of her fiance Kyle Jones. She was under the influence when he died, therefore the death was ruled and accident." 

The judge nods, Teddy sits back down. "Miss Griffin, with this new knowledge, are the charges correct?" 

She nods and doesn't face the judge, eyes downcast memorizing the pattern of the carpet. 

"Miss Griffin do you plead guilty, not guilty or no contest?" 

Clarke thinks for a moment, the plan was to plead guilty but she can't do that, her sentence would be too light, she deserves to be convicted of Kyle's death. It was her job to stay sober, it was her job to keep Kyle safe, she failed him, she failed Lexa, She failed herself. 

"Not guilty." 

Her lawyer scrubs his face with his hands, she feels bad doing this to him. Ruining his image with the first case he's ever been given. The judge sighs, quieting the room once again. 

"The defense has pleaded non guilty. We will entertain a short recess, please be back in ten minutes."


	10. Guilty

Does Lexa miss Clarke? Yes. Does Lexa feel guilty about abandoning her when she needed help? Yes. Does Lexa regret moving to New York? No. New York is probably the best thing that has happened to her.

In less than a week, Lexa had started a career that paid double what she was making before. It was a difficult choice between the three hotels; but eventually one stood out after they offered her a hefty sign on bonus.

Dameon settled down after a night of exploring. He even seems to be more fond of New York than Lexa is. His love is mostly for Luna, his new best friend. He jumps in her lap, weaves in and out of her legs. Intentionally getting stepped on, so that Luna coddles him. He has her wrapped around his little paw.

Luna has become a staple in their new apartment. She stops by at least once a week to check how they're settling in. Lexa knows Luna has a big heart, one big enough for her and Dameon. But Lexa's heart is set on someone else. A person that doesn't deserve a place in it; but a person she can't replace.

The letter should come as no surprise, she was due her last paycheck after all. She's just surprised at how long it had taken. She never gave Clarke her new address, did not want to take a chance of being followed. Upon opening the letter, however, she discovered that it wasn't her paycheck like she thought. 

It was a handwritten letter from Clarke, tear stained and wrinkled. Lexa skims through the apology, heart skipping a beat when she reaches the end. Prison. Clarke is in prison.

\--

“Miss Griffin, It was already brought to our attention that you are not responsible for the death of Kyle Jones. You are to refrain from mentioning it again or I will charge you with contempt of court.” 

Her attorney gives her a look, challenging her to continue. Clarke decides, for once in her life, to actually listen to someone in a position of power. She sags into her chair and awaits for the opposing attorney to finish her questions. 

“Miss Griffin, is it true that you checked yourself out of the Boston Rehabilitation Unit on Friday the 18th?” Clarke nods and she continues, “and is it true that while you were supposed to be in rehab, you were partaking in drugs with your fiance Kyle Jones?” 

Clarke nods and Teddy, jumps from his seat, “Objection! Relevance?”

The judge glances at the opposing attorney who says, “This is a drug case.” 

The judge nods, slamming his gavel against the table announcing, “I’ll allow it.” 

Teddy withdraws, face flush with embarrassment, Clarke feels guilty for ruining another person, but she needs to pay for what she’s done. 

The rest of the proceedings go quickly, there really isn’t much for Teddy to defend, Clarke was surrounded by drug paraphernalia and a corpse. She was guilty by all accounts. 

Clarke stands for the ruling that she would gladly accept; Guilty. She waits for the judge to deal out her sentence, she just hopes she goes away for a long time, it’s not like she has anyone else in her life now.

“Clarke Griffin. You have much life ahead of you, it’s a shame to see how you're ruining it. This is your first time being charged with drug possession but I can see from your records that you have been detoxed in the hospital many times before. With that in mind, I have decided that you will spend one year in prison, with a required 1000 hours of drug rehabilitation.”

Clarke's face drops,  _ one year? I killed Kyle and all I get is one year? _ Teddy pats Clarke on the shoulder as the guard comes to take her away. She's left to reflect in the back of the court room as other prisoners are sentenced.

She doesn't remember being loaded into a white van. 

She doesn't remember the van pulling into the chain linked fence. 

She doesn't remember the roar of the inmates, as she's marched into the building.

She doesn't remember the strip search and she doesn't remember crying her first night in prison.

She expected to be a target, fresh off the bus in that bright orange jumpsuit. But no one said anything to her, no one even looked in her direction. It was lonely, but at least she could focus on fixing what she broke. 

A week into her sentence she decided to write to Lexa. She needed to apologize. Shaking and sweaty she composed a list of the things she was sorry for. The cravings were bad, but this time she couldn't get a fix. She made sure to write that in the letter.

Clarke dumped it in the outgoing mail and nearly jumped out of her skin after hearing the voice. 

"They don't care."

Clarke whipped around, noticing another inmate being elbowed to the rib. 

"That's not nice O." 

The person Clarke assumed to be "O" rubbed her side and glared at girl next to her. 

"It's not like we're in a nice place Reyes. I'm only telling her the truth."

Clarke glances between the two girls bickering before finally one of the girls extends their hand. 

"Raven." She says.

"Clarke."

They shake hands, Clarke eyes the other girl and Raven explains, "Octavia, is a little rough around the edges but she's harmless… for the most part."

Clarke clears her throat awkwardly as the two continue to bicker, "Well it was nice meeting you, I'll be on my way…" she spins on her heel and hurries the other way. 

\--

Lexa throws the letter away, it was nice to finally get an apology, but Clarke had this coming. It was only a matter of time before something like this would happen. Lexa did what she could to keep Clarke out of trouble. But it wasn't enough it seems.

Lexa tried to forget about the letter, she spent more and more time with Luna, but she could never get the thought of Clarke from her mind. She almost forgot about it. Until she got another letter. And another. And another. It became something she looked forward to at the end of the day. Then she got the notice from the post office. This week was the last week of her forwarding service.

Lexa sighed, pulled out a pad of paper and wrote her first letter to Clarke.

\--

Clarke wasn't sure if Lexa was receiving her letters. She never got a response back, she shouldn't be surprised. Even still, Clarke couldn't help but perk up when the mail was delivered every day, only to be disappointed when her name wasn't called. 

Then one day she got a response. She'd stopped listening when the mail came. She'd grown close to Raven and Octavia in that time. The day she got the letter, they were playing a game of rummy. Clarke's name was called, she didn't even hear it. She was far too engrossed in her game.

Octavia shoved her, and said, "Clarke you got a letter."

Clarke just rolls her eyes, placing her cards face down and says, "It's probably more bills, you guys better not cheat while I'm gone."

Raven looks offended, placing a hand to her heart, "Me? Cheat? Never." She says with a smirk.

"I'd almost believe that if I wasn't in prison, surrounded by liars." Clarke says, and Raven snickers, shuffling through her cards.

Clarke retrieves her letter, walking slowly to the table. This wasn't a bill; it was in an envelope she wasn't familiar with. She pulled out the letter, mouth dropping.

"What is it?" Octavia asks.

Clarke just turns the letter over, allowing the two of them to read.

"Who's Lexa?" Raven asks.

"The girl I've told you about."

Clarke looks back at the letter, which only contained an address and Lexa's name.  _ She moved.  _


	11. Therapy

“Come on Clarke! You can’t just sit here all day. The guards will give you a 115.” Raven shouts, stomping a foot against Clarke’s mattress. This argument had been going on for a good fifteen minutes, it’s a wonder how none of the guards noticed yet.

“Leave me alone, like everyone else does.” Clarke grumbles, face down on her mattress. She swats a hand in Raven’s direction, she knows she’s right. If a guard catches her lying in bed she’s bound to get an infraction, 

Raven smacks the back of Clarke’s head saying,”Quit being so melodramatic, she gave you her damn address!”

Clarke releases a deep sigh and sits up. She rubs the back of her head, glaring in Raven’s direction. She has never been melodramatica day in her life… Okay that’s definitely a lie. But Lexa left! She’s all alone now… But she knows that isn’t true either. Lexa is alone, Lexa has no one and it’s Clarke’s fault she left.

Raven goes to smack Clarke again, but misses as the blonde stands. She puts her hands up and lowers her head, feigning defeat and says, “Alright, alright I’m up.”

“Attagirl! Now let's go find O and get to the meeting.” Raven says, pumping a fist in the air.

Clarke was lucky enough to find some, seemingly, down to earth people, stuck in the prison system, even luckier to meet people with nearly the same sentences. Both had similar drug charges, because of this they attend the same NA meetings, it’s so much easier having friends that are fighting through the same problem. 

Raven and Clarke find themselves at a similar place in the prison; Block C male inmates, cleaning Block B’s rec area. Octivia is flirting with a prisoner in that unit, who tries to act casual but has obviously been sweeping the same pile for the past twenty minutes. Being in a coed prison can have it’s ups, it definitely keeps things interesting, 

“You’re going to call me when you get out, right babe?”

The other prisoner nods, subtly. Fearing the 115 that could delay his freedom once again. Lincoln was a kind soul, he never divulged his reason for being in prison, Clarke couldn’t see him committing a crime. Beneath all the frown lines and the tattoos, Lincoln really was just a big teddy bear. 

Raven gathers her friend around the shoulder pulling her away, “Sorry lover boy we have places to be.” 

Octavia blows him a kiss as they descend down the corridors to their weekly  _ required  _ NA meeting. Raven enunciates the required part, but all three of them know this is what they look forward to during the week, NA was never a fun time, going through detox was not fun, having people she knew, going through the same demons, made it easier, 

Clarke is especially excited for this week’s meeting, they’re starting a new cycle in the program. Her heart thrums with excitement as she enters the room, Lexa slowly fades from her mind upon sight of the new tables in the room, Sheets of paper scattered on the tables replace the dreadful circle of chairs. Who knew that art could be used as a therapy technique?

Clarke hurries to a seat and grabs a pack of crayons in excitement, but frowns at the brand. She’s never been a fan of Cra-z-art but she is in prison after all, she should be glad she had even that. Her chest tightens uncomfortably at the reminder of the unfinished piece she had at home, a piece that may just be pointless now. Before she can let her mind wander, the NA Sponsor greets the room. 

“Good morning everyone! It’s so nice to see your smiling faces again!” There’s a single cough and the sponsor continues, “well, I want to introduce myself to the new faces I see. I’m Marcus Kane, I’ve been working for the ARK program for about twenty years now. I have been stationed here at The Polis Correctional Facility for five years. Does anyone have any questions for me?”

An inmate raises his hand and nudges his buddy with his elbow, “Yeah, where’s the free coffee?” 

The room erupts with ruckus laughter, it takes quite some time for Kane to bring the room back to a normal volume. When he does he explains the procedure for the day. 

“Alright everyone, Today were are going to dive deep inside ourselves. I want you to draw whatever you have on your mind, whatever is bothering you. I want you to put it down on paper, get it out.”

Clarke looks at her paper, knowing just who comes to mind,

\--

Lexa has a day off, not knowing what to do with herself she finds herself wandering the art district of Troy, New York. Troy is such an amazing city; old buildings and beautiful street art. It’s a city that lives up to its name. She tosses a couple of bucks into the hat of a street performer as she passes and heads to the best coffee shop in town. 

The sun was starting to set, the perfect time for her favorite Cappuccino. She orders her usual and picks a seat near the window in the back of the shop where she can quietly observe the crowd. A study group in the corner, furiously typing on their laptops. A couple flirting in the booth next to her, a few excited teenagers, She can’t help but to let out a lonely sigh and glance down at her coffee, She takes a sip and nearly chokes on the burning liquid when a familiar face takes a seat in the chair across from her. 

“Is this seat taken?”

Lexa smiles and shakes her head and asks, “Aren’t you supposed to be working?” 

“Well I figured a pretty lady like you deserved a little company is all,” Lexa’s face turns a shade of pink and the woman continues, “I’m on break Lexa.”

Lexa nods and turns away from the beautiful barista. “Of course Cos.” 

She was a beautiful woman; dark skin and tight curls, Costia is a woman made of dreams. All with a matching freckle above her lip- Lexa’s Cappuccino suddenly tastes bitter and she places it down a little forcefully, a frown on her face. 

“What’s wrong Lexa?”

“Nothing, just-just a little hot still.”

Costia’s grin makes Lexa’s heart skip a beat that fills her with dread. She feels guilty, like this isn’t a feeling she’s allowed to have. Lexa clears her throat, and asks,”How’s school?”

Costia sighs, deflating against the table, “Not so good, I have an exam and two papers to write,”

Lexa tries to listen, she really does. But that freckle and that smile is all too familiar, and now she can't get Clarke out of her head.

\--

Clarke glares down at her work, a tear threatening to spill over. She crumples the picture up and heads to the recycling to throw away her fifth drawing of a familiar brunette she can’t seem to get out of her head. At this point she looks obsessive. 

As she goes to throw the paper away, Kane grabs her by the wrist. “Hold on Clarke, This isn’t art class, it doesn’t have to be perfect, may I see it?”

Clarke’s fist tightens around the ball. “I don’t know, it just didn’t turn out how I wanted it to.” 

Kane smiles, rubbing a thumb over her wrist, “That’s ok, this is an exercise to see how you’re feeling, not a contest to see who’s the best.” 

Clarke’s grip loosens enough to pass the crumpled ball into Kane’s hand, He nods, unfolding the picture and gasps. 

“Clarke this is beautiful, why were you going to throw it away?” 

Clarke shrugs her shoulders and mumbles something under her breath. 

“I’m sorry? I didn’t catch that,” He asks, that ever cheerful smile on his face. 

Clarke sighs again and says,”I didn’t mean to draw her.” 

Kane hands the picture back to Clarke, “I think there was a reason you drew this. Why don’t we keep this and pick up next week?” 

Clarke nods, heading back to her table. Raven yanks the picture from Clarke’s hands letting out a long whistle, “Is this her? No wonder you can’t keep her off your mind,” 

Octavia and Raven bicker back and forth but the words are once again lost on Clarke, knowing the exact reason for drawing Lexa, she’s the one person she hurt so much, how can she ever make it up to her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh! Costia? How could I? I know I know, but please don't think to much of it, Lexa needs a friend right now... And Clarke's feelings, she's starting to understand how much she really hurt Lexa. Hope you guys enjoy!


	12. Fin

The moonlight filters through the curtain and a figure shifts in the bed. Lexa’s gaze is unwavering against the popcorn ceiling, tracing every last detail with her eyes. A wave of dread crashes through her body, this was a mistake. The figure stirs again and Lexa turns to study the face in the moonlight, Costia is beautiful, there’s no doubt about that, but Costia isn’t Clarke.

Lexa sighs and Costia stirs awake, she drags a sleepy arm around Lexa’s middle and squeezes tightly. 

“What’s wrong babe?” Costia asks, Lexa shakes her head turning to face the ceiling again. Costia props her head in her palm, studying Lexa’s tense form. “You can tell me anything Lexa.” 

The hot bite of tears forces their way to Lexa’s eyes. Her throat tightens up and she chokes out, “This was a mistake,..”

Lexa fumbles around the room, searching for her wayward T-shirt and slips on her jeans. Costia sits up in bed, the pain on her face leaves Lexa with a bitter taste in her mouth. She never meant it to go this far, “I don’t mean…” Lexa trails off.

Costia shakes her head, fighting back her own tears now, “No it’s okay, I’ll see you tomorrow?” Costia asks hopefully.

Lexa nods, having no real intentions of returning to the shop.

\--

Clarke’s fingertips rap softly against the table top.

“Oh my GOD! Just call her already!” Octavia shouts, bitterly.

Clarke jolts from her thoughts, eyebrows raised. 

“Wha-” She starts before she’s interrupted by Raven.

“You’re going to wear a hole in the table if we don’t stop you! Like O said, just call her!”

Clarke’s gaze drifts away from her friends, landing on the phones in the corner, As much as she would love to hear Lexa’s voice, she can’t call her. Their friendship was finally starting to feel normal again, she couldn’t mess that up again. 

“God do I have to do everything?” Octavia groans.

She raises from her seat and heads to the phones, she dials in a number and waves Clarke over. Octavia smirks as Clarke makes her way closer, She passes the phone off to a confused Clarke. 

“How did you-” She starts, but Octavia shakes her head.

“You should know you have no privacy with a cellmate like Reyes.” Clarke watches Octavia’s retreating form as the phone continues it’s ringing, Each chirp of the phone has her heart beating faster, until-

“Hello?”

Clarke’s grin grows on her face, hearing the saccharin voice on the other line, Clarke takes a deep breath in before finally coming to her senses enough to reply back.

“Hey”

The line goes silent before they both start at the same time.

“I’m sor-”

“I want to-”

The two bicker for a moment before finally deciding on letting Clarke go first, 

“Lexa I’m sorry. I hurt you, I never meant to do that.” Clarke says, voice cracking on the last syllable, 

The line goes silent, if it wasn’t for the timer counting down she would have thought Lexa hung up. Only ten minutes, that’s not enough time to give a proper apology, 

“I want to see you.” Lexa says and Clarke’s heart races again, See her? Why would she want to see her? When she’s done nothing but use and abuse Lexa, She doesn’t deserve this, But what if their relationship isn’t what it used to be? What if Lexa wants to cut off communication entirely?

Clarke swallows her fears and chokes out a reply, “I’d like that.”

“Can I come this week?”

Clarke smiles, leaning against the phone booth, “I don’t know, I’ll have to check my plans.”

They both chuckle before Lexa replies, “I’ll come thursday,”

“That sounds great,” Clarke says, before they can say their goodbye’s the line clicks off. 

Clarke hangs up the phone, spirits lifted quite a bit higher. 

\--

Lexa straightens her blouse again, feeling uncomfortable with the blank stares of the inmates around her, She’s here to see Clarke, she’s doing this for Clarke, she reminds herself. The chair in front of her is pulled away, her eyes meet blue and she’s up before her brain can protest. 

Lexa pulls Clarke into a tight embrace, they quickly break apart before they’re scolded by one of the guards. They take a seat across from each other, raking each other’s features slowly. 

“You look great Clarke.” Lexa says. 

It’s a weird thing to say to someone in prison. Prison is supposed to be hell on earth, how could anyone look good in prison, But it’s true, Clarke is as beautiful as the first day they met. 

“Yeah, quitting drugs will do that to a person.” Clarke says, an awkward silence draws over the table. Clarke clears her throat, “So how have you been?”

Lexa frowns, eyes cast down, remembering what she had done to Costia. Shame fills her core, but she can’t help but to say, “Happy.” Because it’s true, she is happy. Clarke is getting the help she needs.

Clarke nods slowly, “Have you found a girlfriend yet?” Lexa’s eyes widen and Clarke grins, “I’m only joking,”

Lexa grabs Clarke’s hands in her own and smiles, “I’m happy you’re getting the help you need.”

Clarke squeezes her hand with a smile, “Me too.”

They grow quiet again, the chatter around grows louder as they study each other, Lexa’s eyes glow with something, hope? Clarke laces her fingers with Lexa, feeling a bout of bravery come on. Lexa quirks a brow but allows their fingers to remain.

“I’ve been thinking a lot… about that kiss.” Clarke says.

Lexa’s face flushes and she quickly replies, “It was a mistake.”

Clarke shakes her head, “I don’t think it was, look where it got me.”

“Prison?”

Clarke laughs loughly, attracting attention from the tables around her. She forces her laugh down to a snicker before replying, “No, Lexa, I’m clean. It couldn’t have happened without that kiss,”

“I don’t see the connection.” 

Clarke sighs, squeezing Lexa’s hands again, “If you hadn’t kissed me I wouldn’t have left rehab.”

“I don’t understand… how is prison better than rehab?”

Clarke sighs, her head dropping to the table. She really has to spell it out for her doesn’t she.

“I like you Lexa.”

Lexa looks even more confused than before. Her face is twisted with an indescribable expression. 

“I like you too.” Lexa says cautiously.

Clarke grins and leans closer, “I mean I like, like you.” Lexa’s eyes go wide AGAIN and Clarke continues, “If I didn’t leave rehab, I would have married Kyle. I’m sad that he had to die but it made me come to terms with my addiction, I love you Lexa, I want to be with you,”

Lexa’s throat constricts and she nods, “I love you too, we can try.” 

Clarke places a kiss to Lexa’s hands.

“Can I have Wilfred?” Lexa blurts out.

“The damn plant?” Clarke asks. Lexa nods her head and Clarke laughs, “of course.”

\--

Lexa went to pick up Wilfred, happy to see him thriving while she was gone. Clarke was released from prison and moved in with Lexa to avoid the halfway house, Octavia and Raven were released shortly after, joining Lexa in her small apartment, Clarke continued with her Art Therapy and never touched a pill again. 

Now she advises kids in schools against the dangers of prescription drugs, Octavia and Lincoln got married and had a couple of children, Raven went to be an engineer and Clarke and Lexa? Well they lived happily ever after,

The End,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys, this is a mess. I had to end it here. I completely lost interest and didn't want to leave it unfinished. I was going to add Ontari as an antagonist drug dealer, but i didn't want to scare you guys thinking Clarke was going down another rabbit hole. Thank you so much for sticking with me, I hope you enjoyed while it lasted. Please don't be too mad at me!


End file.
